A recent incident, proving how tasteless and terrible most lager is, has inspired me to do what any intelligent and eloquent person does at least once in their life…rant on the internet.
The incident in question transpired at a familiar establishment where one man had been drinking pints of Becks all night, believing that it was Stella Black, a lesser of two evils kind of situation. The circumstances regarding how this happened are complicated, boring and take away lines that could be used ranting so I’ll skip ahead towards the end of the night where he returned to the bar for his final pint of indecipherable swill.
At the bar, he began chatting to another lager enthusiast/ageusia sufferer about the wonders of Stella Black, which he boasted he had been drinking for years and was unquestionably the best beer around. And then…it happened, “I tell you what, it’s much better than f***ing Becks, you couldn’t pay me to drink that stuff!” Who knew that declaring Stella Black the best beer around would be only the second stupidest thing he said that day, for all night he had been drinking and apparently enjoying the very beer which he claims to hate so much. I’m not sure what’s worse, that he couldn’t tell apart his favourite lager from his most hated or the fact that he’d been repeatedly paying over £4 a pint for a beer that he seems unable to decide if he likes or not.
To fully understand how ridiculous it is that he couldn’t tell the two apart, Stella Black is a darker and more offensive lager whereas Becks is lighter and bland. I’d like to think that if I ordered an ale and someone sneakily put a pint of lager in front of me, I’d be confident in raising my hand and asking which funny buggar has pissed in the beer lines. Perhaps not a fair comparison but I’d gone nearly a whole article about lager without the word pisswater. But I’m certain that I could tell the difference between a favourite ale of mine, which I had been drinking for years, and an ale which I really didn’t like even if it was disguised. Even if I couldn’t identify what the imposter beer was, I’d know that it certainly was not my favourite ale.
If this man is anything to go by, it’s the familiarity of lager that is appealing rather than taste. It’s true to say that when encouraging people to try ales their usual gripe is that they don’t know what it tastes like and so they may not like it, along with other similar bed-wetter excuses. Apparently with the familiar lagers you can pick any one and know that the taste will be essentially the same. The Hobgoblin taunt of “What’s the matter lager boy, afraid you might taste something?” has never rung more true.